Grimmauld Place

4: Grimmauld Place

Images of Sirius flew through Harry's mind fast and furious: bursting through the kitchen door snarling at the portrait of his mother, singing Christmas carols on the stairs, arguing with Mrs. Weasley in the kitchen, whispering with Harry in the basement after his dream of being the snake.

He clung to Ginny as he took deep breaths and worked to master his emotions. Finally gathering his wits about him, Harry realized he was clinging to Ginny Weasley and pulled back as color flamed to his cheeks. "Sorry," he muttered in embarrassment as she took charge of the situation.

Grabbing his hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze, she dragged him right towards the kitchen. "Merlin, Mum's going to be so happy to see you for about a half a second before she lays into you about how thin you are. Honestly, Harry, you've got to take better care of yourself!"

He followed her without making a sound, while the twins ducked their heads and tried to smother their laughter as they followed behind. He glanced at the portrait of Mrs. Black, but she remained silent behind the curtain.

The kitchen was warmer, friendlier, but still exactly the same and to Harry…it seemed to be mocking Sirius' absence. He fought against the constriction in his chest and tried desperately to hold himself together.

"Harry," Molly Weasley shrieked as she bustled towards him and wrapped him in a motherly embrace. "Oh, thank Heavens you're all right." He allowed himself the time to hug her without pulling away, but he bristled under the appraising look she was sweeping over him. "When was the last time you had a decent meal, Harry? Didn't that talk we had with the Dursleys at King's Cross do any good at all?"

Before he could utter a reply, George said, "He was locked in the room with a deadbolt, Mum. He scrambled to use the loo when we got there so I'd say he'd been stuck for a while."

Harry colored a bit at their discussion and tried to change the subject. "What's happening with the Death Eaters? Why are they at Privet Drive? How did they get past the wards? And what are you lot all doing here, anyway?"

It was Mrs. Weasley's turn to try and turn the conversation. "Fred and George, take Harry's trunk up to Ron's room. I'm going to put together some food. Everyone will be hungry when they return, and we'll get your questions answered then, Harry. I don't know any more than you do about what's happening at Privet Drive."

Ginny and Harry moved over to the table. He avoided the chair where Sirius had usually sat, desperately trying not to look at it. Mrs. Weasley placed a plate of biscuits and sweets in front of them as she went about putting together some dinner. Ginny's guilt about the Howler intensified tenfold at George's words about Harry's confinement. She decided it was best to just bring it up.

"Harry, I'm sorry about the Howler," she said, keeping her voice to a whisper. Apologizing to Harry was one thing, letting her mother overhear was an entirely different matter. "I don't know what I was thinking and I'm not sure what possessed me. I never meant to get you in trouble with the Muggles."

"Don't worry about it, I was already in trouble. So, how long have you been here?"

Ginny knew she was supposed to keep this information from Harry. But, he was here now and going to find out about it sooner or later, anyway, so she might as well be the one to tell him. "We've been here for about a fortnight. There was some trouble at the Burrow, so we've been staying here ever since."

"Trouble? What kind of trouble?"

"Someone tried to breach the wards. The alarms Bill installed worked perfectly. We all got out safely and have been holed up here. We used the Extendable Ears to learn that it was some Death Eaters. They finally managed to get in, but Bill's traps gave them quite a run for their money before they succeeded." She sounded extremely proud of her eldest brother.

Harry was stunned. They'd gone after the Burrow. It didn't take a genius to figure out what they were looking for. So, he'd managed to get his adoptive family to lose their home. Why hadn't Ron said anything? What else had they been keeping from him? He dropped his face into his hands and rubbed his eyes beneath his glasses.

"Harry," Ginny said, pausing as if looking for the right words, "it isn't your fault."

Not removing his hands from his eyes, he replied, "Oh, no? Which one of you was Voldemort looking for, then?"

"Well, it could have been any one of us, really. More than half the family is in the Order, and we've made no secret we support Dumbledore. Bill and the twins can be right pains in the arse when they set their minds to it," she hissed as two bright spots of color appeared on her cheeks.

Harry sighed. This was going nowhere. "Where's Ron? Is Hermione here, too?"

Ginny seemed to pause a moment, an odd, quirky smile playing on her lips. "Hermione isn't staying here exactly, but the Floo network is open to her house so she's been here quite a bit. She and Ron went into Diagon Alley with Bill this morning. I suspect they'll be back soon. They've been doing a lot of studying lately."

"Studying? But we don't know what classes we'll be taking yet. Did they get their OWL results?"

"No. I didn't mean schoolwork. More like studying each other," she said, a very mischievous twinkle in her eye.

It took him a minute, but he finally caught on. For the first time, he completely forgot he was in Sirius' home, and a real grin spread over his face, "No. Don't tell me they finally got a clue and I missed it!"

"Oh, don't worry, Harry; you'll catch plenty of it. Rather revolting if you ask me."

Harry was truly happy for his friends. He'd long ago put together the fact that their constant bickering was masking an attraction to one another. But he couldn't help the more childish part of himself that wondered where, or if, he fit into this new equation. This was what he wanted, right? He had to gain some distance from Ron and Hermione for their own protection. It was necessary and part of his plan, so why did it sting so much?

Ginny watched the play of emotions that crossed Harry's face. He always thought he was so stoic but to her his face was quite readable. She always thought it would be fun to get him to play poker. She would bet she could beat him without really trying. It was obvious he was having trouble being back at Grimmauld Place, even without his tortured confession when he had first arrived. His eyes kept darting all over the place and his hands had a slight shake to them. He couldn't sit still, and she decided it would be better for him to be away from the activity usually surrounding the kitchen.

"Harry, you know it's a risky business leaving the twins alone with your stuff. Why don't we go up and check that they're not leaving you any surprises?"

Harry merely nodded as he followed her up to the room he and Ron had shared the previous summer. Mrs. Weasley shoved steaming mugs of hot chocolate into their hands as they passed. Harry found himself drinking it simply for lack of something better to do.

He looked at the picture of Phineas Nigellus, former Slytherin Headmaster, on the wall. It was empty now, but Harry wondered if he was assigned the task of being Harry's minder again. He sat on the bed sipping his cocoa. The twins had come and gone and his trunk was at the foot of his bed.

"You know," Ginny began, biting on her lip, "when we arrived here last summer, the twins tried to prank Sirius." She watched Harry stiffen at the mention of his godfather, but he said nothing and seemed to be waiting for her to continue. "We were all a bit shocked at first to find him here and to discover that he was innocent. But the twins took to him quickly and they tried to get him to eat one of their Canary Cremes. He didn't fall for it, though. When they tried one of their new inventions on me, Sirius came up to me and told me what they were doing. Together, we switched the Belching Banger back to Fred's plate, and George thought that was the funniest thing that ever happened! Sirius loved life, Harry, and he lived it to the fullest. That's how you honor his memory, not by giving in or giving up, but by living. And having a damn good time doing it!"

Harry was quiet for several minutes, and Ginny thought she'd pushed him too far. Then, in a voice so soft it was barely above a whisper, he began, "I know that's what he would want, but I don't know how. It hurts to eat, to think, to breathe, to walk and talk, and to feel. I keep trying to push it away but it suddenly overwhelms me, and I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with that." Harry had no idea why he was revealing so much to her. Maybe it was the shock of the day, maybe he'd just been cooped up too long. He was sure he'd regret it later.

"You're supposed to let yourself feel it, Harry," she said as she slid off Ron's bed and moved to kneel in front of him. "Burying it only makes it stronger and more determined to get out. Until you let yourself feel the hurt, it's not going to get better."

Her words were becoming distant, and he felt his eyelids begin to droop. His head was getting awfully heavy and vaguely he wondered if Mrs. Weasley had put something in his hot chocolate to make him sleep. Ginny adjusted his head on to his pillow and rubbed her fingers gently through the hair at the nape of his neck. No one had ever done that before, and he found it very comforting. For the first time in a long time, he allowed himself to drift to sleep without feeling any anxiety about doing so.

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Harry awoke several hours later to find Ginny gone, but Ron and Hermione sitting on Ron's bed holding hands and staring at him. Shaking the remnants of sleep from his foggy brain, he reached for his glasses that Ginny must have placed on the nightstand, as Ron and Hermione moved towards him.

"Hiya, mate," Ron said, smiling. "How are you?"

"I think your mum knocked me out."

Hermione burst out, "Well honestly, Harry, can you blame her? You still look like it's been ages since you've had a decent sleep! You're terribly thin, Harry, and you've got to eat!"

She looked like she was about to continue when Ron put up a hand to silence her. "Let him breathe, Hermione. Sorry, mate, Mum did slip you a sleeping potion. She was just worried about you."

"What time is it? Have the rest of the Order arrived back from Surrey? Where's Ginny?"

"The other members of the Order are downstairs. The Death Eaters gave up without much of a fight after they hit some resistance. They probably figured you'd already been whisked away. Your relatives are fine and weren't even aware anything was happening until Mr. Weasley let them know you'd be gone until next year," Hermione said.

"It's just after dinner, but Mum saved you a plate. You'd better go and eat some of it or she'll have kittens," Ron continued, "Ginny is off sulking in her room, I suspect."

"Sulking?"

"She got an owl from Dean. He broke up with her, the git. Good riddance, I say. What the bloody hell was he thinking, anyway? It's beyond me," Ron growled.

"Ron," Hermione scolded, "you have to admit, from his point of view things were strange. Ginny couldn't tell him where she was, she couldn't meet with him and told him to limit the number of owls he sent. Not very encouraging from your supposed girlfriend, I would think."

Harry sighed, rubbing his forehead. He added the breakup of Ginny's current relationship to his list of responsibilities. Just great. She'd been awfully kind to him earlier, too. He'd have to find some way to apologize. "Maybe she can fix things when we're back at school," he said.

"Maybe," Hermione said, though she didn't sound very convinced. "Dumbledore is downstairs; he's waiting to talk with you."

Harry felt a bit of cold dread seep into his stomach. He really didn't want to talk to the Headmaster. He hadn't seen him since that awful night when he'd trashed his office. Harry was unsure as to what his feelings were towards the ancient wizard at the moment. Steeling himself, he got off the bed and said, "Let's go down, then."

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Professors Dumbledore, Snape, and McGonagall, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, Bill, Fred, George, Moody, Tonks, and Remus Lupin occupied the kitchen. The rest of the Order had long since departed. Lupin jumped up as Harry came in and rushed towards him, wrapping his arms around him in a warm embrace. "It's good to see you, Harry."

"You, too," Harry said, trying to muffle his voice in Remus's robe. He was feeling uncomfortable under everyone's appraising gaze.

Molly jumped up and got a plate for him as he sat at the table. "I hope you're not angry, Harry, but you really looked like you could use some sleep."

Harry nodded but didn't respond; instead, he turned to Dumbledore. "What happened?"

"We are still not sure. Though there were a significant number of Death Eaters on Privet Drive, they never got close enough to breach the wards, which remain intact. If they have found a way to get through them to enter the house, it is still a mystery to us. We are going to be keeping a close eye on the house for the next several weeks, but since they have at least figured out the location, we feel it is safer for you to remain here."

When Harry didn't respond, Dumbledore continued, "I thought it best to update you on what's been happening since the end of term."

Harry saw a sneer form on his dreaded Potions Master's lips and was grimly satisfied to see Snape wasn't pleased by this. He locked his gaze coldly on Professor Snape's face and said, "Right."

Snape could contain himself no longer. "'Right', Potter? Is that all you have to say? I would expect a bit more respect when addressing the Headmaster. Obviously, your arrogance has exceeded even–"

"Severus," Dumbledore said sharply, "that will be all."

Snape glared at Harry, letting him know this was far from over, and Harry glared right back. Before Harry could get another word in, however, an ancient, decrepit old house-elf entered the room. "So, the Potter boy returns," he wheezed. "Back to finish the destruction begun by your traitorous godfather before he met his end."

Harry was out of his seat with a roar, grabbing Kreacher around his neck and flinging him towards the wall as Hermione tried to pull him back. "You lied to me, you son of a bitch! I'm going to rip your foul, lying head off!" He lost his grip on Kreacher as too many other hands entered the fray to break them apart, and the house-elf was dragged from the room. Harry was panting heavily as he turned accusing eyes on Dumbledore. "You said you'd taken care of him."

"I'm sorry, Harry. He was supposed to stay away from you, but you arrived earlier than expected. I'll see to it you don't come in contact with him again".

Harry was far too enraged to be placated by this and too out of control to think about what he was saying. "You. Am I supposed to believe that? Am I supposed to believe anything you say anymore? How much of the truth are you actually giving me? How much have YOU decided I can handle? I don't know what to think, or believe, or, quite frankly, whom to trust at the moment!"

"Harry, you can trust all of us here, you know that. Let's sit down and get back to the meeting." Dumbledore spoke in that calm, soothing voice that was like fingernails on a chalkboard to Harry.

"NO. I'm not listening to this. I don't need to, I know exactly what Voldemort's been up to, as I've witnessed most of it."

Sharp intakes of breath were heard around the table, and Dumbledore slowly closed his eyes.

"If you had taken Occlumency seriously, this wouldn't be happening at all and you know it," Snape spat.

"Yes, and if you'd taken the time to actually teach me something and not used it for continuing a sparring match with a man who's been dead for nearly fifteen years, a lot of things might be different, wouldn't they?"

"You insufferable, arrogant little-" Snape began, but was cut off by an angry hiss from Professor McGonagall.

"Severus, that is enough."

Harry had had enough; he had to get out of this room before he suffocated. "You can all go on discussing and rehashing all you want; it changes nothing. You and I both know how this has to end," he seethed, glaring at Dumbledore before he stalked out of the room. Harry slammed the door behind him, awakening the portrait of Mrs. Black.

"YOU FOUL HALFBOOD! HOW DARE YOU ENTER HERE TO BESMIRCH THE HOUSE OF MY FATHER? YOU. THE DARK LORD WILL FIND YOU AND HE WILL REIGN ONCE MORE TO-"

"SHUT IT, YOU OLD BITCH," Harry roared, fleeing from the portrait.

He ran up the stairs two at a time and passed his own room, not wanting to be found. He burst through a door and slammed it shut behind him. Only once shut inside and looking around did he realize he'd entered Sirius' bedroom. Ginny was sitting on the bed staring at him with wide eyes, as he looked around the room in horror.

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